Grace and Recovery

This May I will have 15 years of recovery. Far and away the greatest thing it has given me is a relationship with God. It is hard to even remember what it was like, not having one. I recall first meeting, but not how I felt when I heard 2nd Step. I did write in my journal - "Ok except for the God Stuff". Now I feel like Jesus is my best friend. I won't say I've suddenly become this great evangelist or anything, but what I have found is grace. It is the greatest feeling in the world. I think the day my daughter was born is the greatest day I can remember. I never felt more blessed than that moment. And now, after having had known her for almost 8 years, that day is even greater. I love my son just as much, but before she was born I did not know what it meant to love my own child. In some ways it made recovery just as difficult. There were those thoughts of "how could anyone neglect or abuse something as wonderful as this?" My own inner child was jealous. I know the birth of my son pushed more buttons than my daughter. It was like looking at me as a child. It is a great feeling, to have your kids show their love for you. I know that in some ways I don't deserve it, that that love is just a natural thing. But I do know that I soak it up differently than if I had not done recovery work. If I had had children before learning who I was, learn to love and accept myself, it would be very easy to either be ashamed of their love, or to soak it up codependently. I am extremely grateful for the program, but more so for God, for I know He is in charge of all things. It is only by accepting His will that I have learned how to accept grace. It is humbling to accept that God gives this gift freely. I can't earn it. It is the complete opposite of codependent thinking - that I have to do something to earn someones love. Accepting God's love has helped me accept who I am. I think it is only with that thought that I can even attempt to do what He wills me to do. When I am not being humble, I start thinking I know what needs to be done, what others need. It isn't helpful. So, I am grateful that God loves me unconditionally. It makes me love Him the same way.

Dave