Can you feel it? I can. The need for change? Bob Dylan wrote "A HARD RAIN IS GONNA FALL"

here's part of the song


Oh, what did you see, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, what did you see, my darling young one?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it,
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin',
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin',
I saw a white ladder all covered with water,
I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken,
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

I read that a couple of years ago a guy right out of an insane asylum was able to buy a rifle. He used it to kill 2 people. The Va Tech killer was declared mentally unstable and a threat to himself and others by a judge, yet this did not have to go into the FBI database that gun shops use to check whether someone can buy a gun.

Next up, Iraq. The so called surge has only created more violence against Americans. We are about to have over 100 dead for this month.

I see a lot of insanity going on, and not just by those judged mentally incompetent. I think things are going to change soon because this can't go on any longer.

Feeling a great deal of grief today over tragedy at Virginia Tech yesterday. Many want to say that senseless violence is more common today, but I have to believe that this is still far from the norm. It was created not because someone wanted to kill innocent people, but because he did not know how to deal with his pain. Some people lash out when they are in pain. I do not doubt that someone will come forward with information that could have prevented this. I do not judge them. Most people just cannot even contemplate someone doing this, least of all someone they know. Denial is a powerful force that prevents us from seeing truth. I pray that this doesnt lead to huge security changes at univeristies, but instead shows 20 somethings to keep the eyes open and not to dismiss people who are in obvious pain just because it is easier to do so. I pray that the lives lost will not be in vain but serve as Columbine did - to truly awaken people to what is going on around them

I am very sad for the many people that have to deal with the loss of their children, loved ones, and friends. I pray that God is with them and all that are suffereing from this tragic loss of life.

I am taking a hiatus from sharing at a particular recovery site because I need to exercise some humility. I am feeling drained and when that happens I start sharing for no reason. Its not necessarily a bad thing, but I get myself in trouble. I end up not focusing on my needs. I need some time to think about me and my recovery. I am coming up on 15 year anniversary. Its not that I want to stop, but I need to some deep soul searching about what I do want. Recovery can be addictive sometimes. A positive one, but still it can take away from other parts of our lives. I am grateful to be able to be of service to others, but I find that it is not changing the fact that I still prefer to hide sometimes at home. And online, sheesh, I spend a lot of time there because of that old "purpose" feeling. I still don't know what I really want to do with my life. I know its not too late to try something new, but I don't know how to do it. I think writing is best option because I can continue to work, and provide for family. As to what exactly I should write about I am unsure. As I see it I have 2 options - a recovery biography, or something about shame and self-loathing. Perhaps I should just combine them. Try to illustrate how much denial I was in about my low self-worth, where it came from, what it did to me, and how I changed it.

sounds good to me, of course will have to incorporate ic work into it.
will start this Sat at meeting.

Mr. Bush - Listen to what we are saying

I don't know why I am angry. I should have expected this. First the country came out of denial. Next congress came out of denial. But will Prez Bush? Of course not! Whose mind is harder to change than a 2nd term President? No ones. It is sad, but I think things are going to get worse before they get better. If leading us into a war with deciet isn't enough for impeachment, how about not listening to the country! I think it is more likely that Bush will start another war with Iran before he leaves Iraq. I am having a hard time digesting this, and am praying. I know God is in control, but sometimes I have a hard time letting go. It is enfuriating!

ACOA and AA

I watched Bill W.'s Story yesterday, and while it wasn't very deep, it did have one good message - that we go to meetings not to fix each other, but for ourselves. A's need other A's to keep from drinking. ACOA's need other ACOA's to talk, trust, and feel. We do it together because we all didn't have this in our families of origin. These three things are something we have to practice as much as possible, and ACOA gives us a safe place to do that. Without practice, we will tend to go back to old survival patterns of denial, frozen feelings, and secrecy. It is important for us to be honest with ourselves, and that requires trust. If we cannot trust ourselves, we cannot feel our feelings. It is simply to terrifying to do what wasn't acceptable as children. Our parents told us they were wrong, and we also came to accept that it was fruitless to feel our feelings. We were overwhelmed by them. Survival is not much different that being a robot. We did what was necessary. In recovery we can find support to feel our feelings, which opens us up to change.

Well, I finished STATE OF DENIAL on tape last week, and of course I am disheartened by it. I read a Buchwald article (he just passed away yesterday) on this book, and he puts in well - its a book about a dysfunctional family. His title really got me to read it. I was incredibly upsed when Gore lost in 2000, but came to accept that there was a purpose to Bush's winning. Now I don't know what to think. I was watching an old WEST WING yesterday and I had to look up this quote and find out when it aired. Turns out it was early 2004, year after we had "mission accomplished." Here is a quote from a previous prez talking to Bartlett about middle east - "

Newman says. "You start saddling up camels in every country in the Middle East then you better be prepared to spend the next 50 years sifting through sand because this isn't a quick run on the beach, Jed. This is the new world order."

my worry is that it will be longer than 50 years.

What's a relapse?

I was reading ACA big book last night and came across something I didn't agree with - the idea that we have relapses. About 2 years ago I had something that I called a relapse, but soon came to see it as something altogether different. You see, I don't think we ever stop "reacting" entirely. We don't become "recovered". It is dangerous to think that. No, the only difference between BF (before recovery), and now is that I react less often. When I do react I don't see it as a relapse because that has negative connataions to it. Like I heading backwards. The truth is that these should be called recycling events. We never fully heal our wounds, and every so often, they will come back to haunt us. The thing is, by continuing our recovery, going to meetings, journaling, and being open and honest with ourselves, we are given chance to use these moments for further growth. I was in a lot of pain over an ended friendship. I had gotten too codependent, and pushed a friend away. I am not proud of what I did, nor do I make any excuses. But given that, I was able to use that episode to do some very deep healing. It gave me chance to look at and feel some stuff I had not dealt with fully. It is not just to call it a relapse. I was only doing what my wounds drove me to do all the time before recovery. Calling it a relapse would be like saying I had recovered and then went backwards. No, what I like to think, which I have to admit I borrow from Melody Beattie, is that I was presented with an opportunity to do deeper healing, I was recycling. When you think of life it is much like a circle. We start out completely dependent, and we end up that way. We start out slow, speed up, and then find ourselves married, with a job, and completely unsatisfied. Our path was set and we weren't given the chance to really find ourselves till we came to recovery. We take a new path, but it is a long climb upwards that goes around and around. Eventually we come back to parts we visited before. God gives us what we need when we need it.

peace
Dave

Hope and Barack Obama

I used to be so incredibly angry at politicians and politics. I believe it all started with Nixon. I grew up in dysfunctional family, and saw a dysfunctional government on tv. I suffered through 8 years of Reaganomics. I felt like the only thing people really cared about was money. It was during Clinton years that I started recovery. I still have a lot of issues with politics. Just in the last couple of months I started hearing about Barack Obama. I wish I could remember where I first heard about him. He is like fresh air after years of neocons in the White House. I think they really do think they are doing what is right, but believe they are failing miserably. Worst of all, they don't see (or care) how the public is reacting to their failures. Today Barack announced he is going to start a explatory group to see what a Presidential campaign could accomplish. Note that he is not exploring whether he could win, but rather what could running accomplish for this country. I am hopeful that he will run, but am not going to believe it till I see it. I don't know if he could win. What I do know is that he seems sincere, and is vastly different than any politician I have ever known. I see humility and honesty when I hear him speak. I don't for a second think that any one person could fix the mess we're in right now, but it sure would be a good start to have an honest person in the White House.

Grace and Recovery

This May I will have 15 years of recovery. Far and away the greatest thing it has given me is a relationship with God. It is hard to even remember what it was like, not having one. I recall first meeting, but not how I felt when I heard 2nd Step. I did write in my journal - "Ok except for the God Stuff". Now I feel like Jesus is my best friend. I won't say I've suddenly become this great evangelist or anything, but what I have found is grace. It is the greatest feeling in the world. I think the day my daughter was born is the greatest day I can remember. I never felt more blessed than that moment. And now, after having had known her for almost 8 years, that day is even greater. I love my son just as much, but before she was born I did not know what it meant to love my own child. In some ways it made recovery just as difficult. There were those thoughts of "how could anyone neglect or abuse something as wonderful as this?" My own inner child was jealous. I know the birth of my son pushed more buttons than my daughter. It was like looking at me as a child. It is a great feeling, to have your kids show their love for you. I know that in some ways I don't deserve it, that that love is just a natural thing. But I do know that I soak it up differently than if I had not done recovery work. If I had had children before learning who I was, learn to love and accept myself, it would be very easy to either be ashamed of their love, or to soak it up codependently. I am extremely grateful for the program, but more so for God, for I know He is in charge of all things. It is only by accepting His will that I have learned how to accept grace. It is humbling to accept that God gives this gift freely. I can't earn it. It is the complete opposite of codependent thinking - that I have to do something to earn someones love. Accepting God's love has helped me accept who I am. I think it is only with that thought that I can even attempt to do what He wills me to do. When I am not being humble, I start thinking I know what needs to be done, what others need. It isn't helpful. So, I am grateful that God loves me unconditionally. It makes me love Him the same way.

Dave