ACOA and AA

I watched Bill W.'s Story yesterday, and while it wasn't very deep, it did have one good message - that we go to meetings not to fix each other, but for ourselves. A's need other A's to keep from drinking. ACOA's need other ACOA's to talk, trust, and feel. We do it together because we all didn't have this in our families of origin. These three things are something we have to practice as much as possible, and ACOA gives us a safe place to do that. Without practice, we will tend to go back to old survival patterns of denial, frozen feelings, and secrecy. It is important for us to be honest with ourselves, and that requires trust. If we cannot trust ourselves, we cannot feel our feelings. It is simply to terrifying to do what wasn't acceptable as children. Our parents told us they were wrong, and we also came to accept that it was fruitless to feel our feelings. We were overwhelmed by them. Survival is not much different that being a robot. We did what was necessary. In recovery we can find support to feel our feelings, which opens us up to change.

Well, I finished STATE OF DENIAL on tape last week, and of course I am disheartened by it. I read a Buchwald article (he just passed away yesterday) on this book, and he puts in well - its a book about a dysfunctional family. His title really got me to read it. I was incredibly upsed when Gore lost in 2000, but came to accept that there was a purpose to Bush's winning. Now I don't know what to think. I was watching an old WEST WING yesterday and I had to look up this quote and find out when it aired. Turns out it was early 2004, year after we had "mission accomplished." Here is a quote from a previous prez talking to Bartlett about middle east - "

Newman says. "You start saddling up camels in every country in the Middle East then you better be prepared to spend the next 50 years sifting through sand because this isn't a quick run on the beach, Jed. This is the new world order."

my worry is that it will be longer than 50 years.

What's a relapse?

I was reading ACA big book last night and came across something I didn't agree with - the idea that we have relapses. About 2 years ago I had something that I called a relapse, but soon came to see it as something altogether different. You see, I don't think we ever stop "reacting" entirely. We don't become "recovered". It is dangerous to think that. No, the only difference between BF (before recovery), and now is that I react less often. When I do react I don't see it as a relapse because that has negative connataions to it. Like I heading backwards. The truth is that these should be called recycling events. We never fully heal our wounds, and every so often, they will come back to haunt us. The thing is, by continuing our recovery, going to meetings, journaling, and being open and honest with ourselves, we are given chance to use these moments for further growth. I was in a lot of pain over an ended friendship. I had gotten too codependent, and pushed a friend away. I am not proud of what I did, nor do I make any excuses. But given that, I was able to use that episode to do some very deep healing. It gave me chance to look at and feel some stuff I had not dealt with fully. It is not just to call it a relapse. I was only doing what my wounds drove me to do all the time before recovery. Calling it a relapse would be like saying I had recovered and then went backwards. No, what I like to think, which I have to admit I borrow from Melody Beattie, is that I was presented with an opportunity to do deeper healing, I was recycling. When you think of life it is much like a circle. We start out completely dependent, and we end up that way. We start out slow, speed up, and then find ourselves married, with a job, and completely unsatisfied. Our path was set and we weren't given the chance to really find ourselves till we came to recovery. We take a new path, but it is a long climb upwards that goes around and around. Eventually we come back to parts we visited before. God gives us what we need when we need it.

peace
Dave

Hope and Barack Obama

I used to be so incredibly angry at politicians and politics. I believe it all started with Nixon. I grew up in dysfunctional family, and saw a dysfunctional government on tv. I suffered through 8 years of Reaganomics. I felt like the only thing people really cared about was money. It was during Clinton years that I started recovery. I still have a lot of issues with politics. Just in the last couple of months I started hearing about Barack Obama. I wish I could remember where I first heard about him. He is like fresh air after years of neocons in the White House. I think they really do think they are doing what is right, but believe they are failing miserably. Worst of all, they don't see (or care) how the public is reacting to their failures. Today Barack announced he is going to start a explatory group to see what a Presidential campaign could accomplish. Note that he is not exploring whether he could win, but rather what could running accomplish for this country. I am hopeful that he will run, but am not going to believe it till I see it. I don't know if he could win. What I do know is that he seems sincere, and is vastly different than any politician I have ever known. I see humility and honesty when I hear him speak. I don't for a second think that any one person could fix the mess we're in right now, but it sure would be a good start to have an honest person in the White House.

Grace and Recovery

This May I will have 15 years of recovery. Far and away the greatest thing it has given me is a relationship with God. It is hard to even remember what it was like, not having one. I recall first meeting, but not how I felt when I heard 2nd Step. I did write in my journal - "Ok except for the God Stuff". Now I feel like Jesus is my best friend. I won't say I've suddenly become this great evangelist or anything, but what I have found is grace. It is the greatest feeling in the world. I think the day my daughter was born is the greatest day I can remember. I never felt more blessed than that moment. And now, after having had known her for almost 8 years, that day is even greater. I love my son just as much, but before she was born I did not know what it meant to love my own child. In some ways it made recovery just as difficult. There were those thoughts of "how could anyone neglect or abuse something as wonderful as this?" My own inner child was jealous. I know the birth of my son pushed more buttons than my daughter. It was like looking at me as a child. It is a great feeling, to have your kids show their love for you. I know that in some ways I don't deserve it, that that love is just a natural thing. But I do know that I soak it up differently than if I had not done recovery work. If I had had children before learning who I was, learn to love and accept myself, it would be very easy to either be ashamed of their love, or to soak it up codependently. I am extremely grateful for the program, but more so for God, for I know He is in charge of all things. It is only by accepting His will that I have learned how to accept grace. It is humbling to accept that God gives this gift freely. I can't earn it. It is the complete opposite of codependent thinking - that I have to do something to earn someones love. Accepting God's love has helped me accept who I am. I think it is only with that thought that I can even attempt to do what He wills me to do. When I am not being humble, I start thinking I know what needs to be done, what others need. It isn't helpful. So, I am grateful that God loves me unconditionally. It makes me love Him the same way.

Dave